The Insanity of Eternity
by power-of-two
Summary: Older and wiser - hardly. Join the 'fun' at the Cullen household including; Alice's leather boots, ice cream cake and the lemonade-spilling incident of '75. New instant messaging chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: A pointless story that Bella and Alice (the two authors on this account) wrote together. We had fun writing it and we hope you will enjoy reading it.**

Alice: Bella, did you take my leather boots? You know the black leather ones with the lace up ribbons that cost more than your college eduction?

Bella: NO!! I mean, uh, looks frantically around for super-perfect love EDWARD!!

Alice: NOT AGAIN

_Edward Cullen runs into the room_

Alice: Go away, Eddie

Edward: I tell you what, sis – if you leave Bella alone for two minutes, I will buy you something. Oh and, you look awful in green.

Bella: so there. _ thanks love_

Alice: NO!

_Jasper Hale sprints into the room frantically._

Jasper: EDWARD! What did you say now - you gave Alice a stroke!

Edward: Yay! That means she will shut up and finally leave my love alone!

Jasper: Did you just say 'yay'? Did Emmett put something in your mountain lion?

Edward: Oh go and make your 'you-know-what'. He probably did. Hmmmn...

_Edward blurs off to go dismember Emmett_

_Alice miraculously recovers from her state of shock._

Alice: WHERE IS EDWARD? I WANT TO WRING HIS NECK!

Jasper: I'd stay away from our house for a little while, Bella

Bella: Calm down Alice...or you will deal with my tears.

_Bella makes a puppydog face_

_Alice ignores Bella and runs after Edward, with Jasper hot on her heels._

* * *

_THE NEXT DAY...The whereabouts of Alice's boots have eluded her, thus driving the residents of the Cullen household to the brink of insanity._

_Alice arrives at the Swan residence._

Alice: Hey Bella! Guess who?

Bella: Darn Edward, she's back.. Get off, or she will make me go shopping for not talking to her!

Edward: What makes you think that?

Bella: Alice is creepy.

Alice: What are you saying?

Bella: Oh, um. just that - _rushes through words really quickly - _ Idonthaveyourleatherboots!!

Alice: Hmm...EMMETT!

_Alice runs out of the room in search of her grizzly bear brother._

Bella: We know about ur weird obsessions, EMMETT!!

_Emmett's screams of pain echo around the house_

Alice: Back off, Rosalie!! I WANT MY LEATHER BOOTS! What was that last whimper, Emmett dear? Good idea - I guess I'll get Jasper to pay for my new boots.

_Alice goes off to annoy Jasper for cash. _

_Alice skips back into the room, fairly pleased with herself._

Alice: Its okay now – Jazzy is going to pay for my new boots – and they're even better than before!

Bella: Your...uh, Jazzy, agreed to pay for your new super expensive-would feed a small third world country for a month boots?.

Alice: I have the feeling you don't like his name.

Bella: Um, not the way u say it. Moving on, before you start on Edward's name...

Alice: Too late! EDDIE WEDDIE!

Bella: STOP! NO! PLEASE! NO!!

_Bella runs to Edward with her hands over her ears._

_Bella trips on stairs. _ (Bella: Darn! Must you stairs always be my downfall? These are not human-friendly stairs.)

Alice: Bella, the way you walk, nothing is human friendly. JASPER! WHY AREN'T MY LEATHER BOOTS HERE YET?

_Alice mourns loss of beautiful leather boots._

**A/N: We hope you liked it! The next chapter will involve some ice-cream cake and a mischevious Bella. Invisible pastries to anyone who reviews!**

**Bella wrote the parts of: Bella and Edward**

**Alice wrote the parts of: Alice and Jasper**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello! Just a quick note to explain that, 'Vienetta' is an ice-cream cake layered with chocolate. It's delicious! On that note, we are off to find some...**

IT IS, FOR ONCE, A CALM DAY IN THE CULLEN HOUSEHOLD. BELLA IS HUNCHED OVER A BOWL OF AN UNIDENTIFIABLE SUBSTANCE.

Bella: Mmmn, I love Vienetta...

Alice: Bella, did you just say... 'Vienetta'?

Bella: mmmnn, yup. And it's ALL MINE! MWA HA HA HA!

Alice turns to Jasper in pure horror.

Alice: Jasper, what exactly did you give Bella for her snack?

Jasper: Uh...some kind of ice cream...cake.

Alice: Oh no. Bella- step AWAY from the cake!

Bella: MWA HA HA HA NO! ITS MINE!! MWA HA HA HA

Alice: It was worth a shot. Jasper, Bella is about to explode! Run while you can!

Bella starts shaking violently, curling into a ball and suddenly...

...she starts crying.

Alice: Well, that was anti climactic.

Bella: Now I'm just hurt – you made a fully grown vampire run from me. Edward!

Bella calls to one true love.

Bella: Go put Alice's boots in the shredder!

Alice: NOOOOO!! WHY??

Alice collapses on the floor, clutching her heart.

Alice: My...boots...I never got to say goodbye...

Bella: Mwa ha ha ha...oooh, did u know that leather shredded makes great confetti?

Alice: Why, cruel world? WHY?

Bella: Because VIENETTA RULES! MWA HA HA.

Alice: Why do bad things happen to good boots! I went to Church...before I was admitted into an insane asylum...I think...I need to destroy something of yours...hmmmmm.

A lightbulb appears over Alice's head. She takes Bella's Vienetta cake and runs for the hills.

Bella: NO!!

Alice: Take THAT!

Bella: Come back!!

Alice: I want my boots first.

Bella: Okay, they are in the city dump.

Alice: Alrighty then. But if your information is wrong, your cake will suffer...

--

A FEW DAYS LATER IN THE CULLEN HOUSEHOLD AND ALICE IS STILL UPSET ABOUT HAVING TO PICK FOOD REMAINS OFF OF HER SUPER DUPER BOOTS.

Alice: Bella, we are supposed to be sisters. Throwing someone's boots in the trash is not entirely sisterly behaviour.

Bella: Well, you deserved it. I mean, your using your husband to send who knows how much of you-know-what (reference to Rosalie/Emmett's overly passionate relationship) at Edward and I.

Alice: In my defence, Jazzy was supposed to be CONSPICUOUS.

Bella: Conspicuous?? I PRACTICALY JUMPED HIM IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!!

Edward comes over to see why Bella is so red.

Edward reads the last sentence in Alice's mind and says at least Alice didnt send it to Mike and Bella.

Bella does not find this funny.

Alice: Hey, there's an idea! Oh, Jasper!

Bella: NO! Not that I will fall for it!

Jasper enters the room, looking slightly flustered due to Bella's mortification.

Bella: Jasper if you do it...I will tell them all about your thinking you - know- what...do not tempt me. I have a mindreader for my true love.

Jasper: You WOULDN'T!

Bella: I would.

Alice: She would, Jazz, I can see it. The outlook is not good.

Bella: You don't want anyone especially THE ENTIRE WORLD...Hey, Edward has to spend money on something - why not bribing Sky News?

Jasper:No! Please, no!

Edward: Well Alice, write this down, it wil be a statement for the news crew. Jasper was thinking about...

Alice: You two better watch out...or...or...EMMETT!

Bella: Oh, he wouldnt do it either...

Emmett, once again, blunders gracefully into the room.

Emmett: What wouldn't I do?

Bella:...not after wat he was thinking about a certain girl at Forks High...

Emmett: NO!

Bella: Oh yes. We know all about that. Alice, why do you think Jasper dissappeared for three classes?

Emmett gulps as Rosalie stomps into the room.

Edward: It was in order to control a certain emotion...

Rosalie: EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!

Alice: Uh oh.

Bella turns to Edward.

Bella: McCarty?

Edward shakes his head in amusement.

Alice jumps onto Rose's back, attempting to pull her off Emmett.

Jasper joins the sane party of Edward and Bella in the Cullen living room.

Jasper: You should hear Emmett's middle name...

Bella: Really? What is it?

Jasper: it's -

Jasper is pulled into the fray by Emmett.

Alice: IT'S MADELINE!

Emmett: NOOOOO!

Alice looks up at a livid Emmett

Alice: Uh oh.

Rosalie, deciding that Emmett has been punished sufficiently, talks to the clumsy human.

Rosalie: Hello, Bella. How are you today?

Bella: Oh you know. Normal – human. (Edward growls in the background) You?

Alice: SOMEONE HELP ME!

Rosalie: Average. It would be nice if life were a bit more exciting.

Jasper: EMMETT GET OFF MY WIFE!

Alice: You want excitement, Rose? THEN GET EMMETT OFF OF ME!

Rosalie: Oh, and wait till you hear Jasper's middle name...

Edward finally decides that the raucus is quite enough for his frail human and decides to put a stop to everything,

Edward: Can you not all act your age once a decade? Honestly! Right, Emmett, off of Alice.

Emmett: FINE!

He climbs off of Alice, who lies on the floor, not moving.

Jasper: Great, Emmett, YOU'VE KILLED MY WIFE!

Rosalie: She's indestructible, you idiot. Just hold a fashion magazine under her nose and she will be fine. Anyway, Jasper's middle name is -

Jasper attacks Rosalie, and they land on top of Alice

Alice: Oof.

Esme enters the room.

Esme: Enough!

Jasper: Sorry, Esme.

Alice: S-s-sorry.

Emmett: Sorry, mom.

Rosalie: Sorry, I guess.

All of the present Cullens turn to Edward.

Edward: I was trying to help.

Other Cullens mutter words that sound like 'suck-up'.

Esme: All of you! Jasper, let go of Rosalie before Emmett thinks you have a preference to his wife and take YOUR wife up to her room - I will be there in a second.

THE CULLENS, SUBDUED, MARCH OFF TO THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDROOMS.

**A/N: Well, what did you think? Muffins to anyone and everyone who reviews!**

**Alice wrote the parts of: Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett**

**Bella wrote the parts of: Bella, Edward and Esme**


	3. Special Edition!

**A/N: Hey everybody! We both had a lot of fun writing this chapter! We hope that you all enjoy reading it! On with the story!**

Alice: (through a walkie-talkie) Fortune Cookie to Clumsy Human, do you read me? Over.

Bella: Uh...Alice? Can we have new names?

Alice: No. And you have to say 'over' when you're done speaking, Bella. Over.

Bella grumbles something about controlling vampires.

Alice: BELLA! Edward bought me these so we could have fun, now PLEASE co-operate. Over.

Alice makes growling noises into said walkie-talkie

Bella: Alice? I think Edward meant for them for you in order to check that I am not with the werewolves, uh I mean, to keep me 'safe'. Not for fun.

Alice: Bella, what did we say about saying over? Over.

Bella: Alice, can this conversation please be over? I want to read a book. Maybe Pride and Prejudice. Over.

Alice: Bella, it's either this or Bella Barbie time - your choice. Over.

Bella: My life is so over. Over.

Edward: Not if I have something to say about it. Over.

Alice: Edward, where did you get another walkie-talkie? Over.

Edward: The same place I bought the ones that you are both holding. Off of that movie set...Ocean's Eleven.

Bella: Edward!

Alice: Oh! Well, how are things across the house? Over.

There is a crackling sound as someone picks up yet another walkie-talkie.

Emmett: Hello? Who's there?

Alice: Emmett?

Emmett: Hang on, is this the mutt?

Edward: Not quite, Emmett.

Alice: You've got a walkie-talkie too?

Emmett: Alice? Yeah, I just found this thing lying on the ground.

Alice: Shock...

Edward: And what happened to your insisting that we all say 'Over', Alice?

Bella: How many of these did you steal, Edward?

Rosalie: Bella?

Edward: Steal? I bought these, Bella. For a hundred thousand dollars each. Something to do with George Clooney and Brad Pitt...the woman at the studio wouldn't stop blithering on.

Bella: Oh I'll bet she wouldn't. Why couldn't you just go to a toy shop, like the rest of the world?

Jasper: What on earth...

Alice: Hiya Jazzy! Over.

Rosalie: I don't even want to know.

There is a crackling noise as a walkie-talkie is thrown down the toilet.

Bella: Well, that was quite literally a hundred thousand dollars down the drain.

Emmett: Ooh, will we get to talk to the sewer mutants now?

Alice: Emmett, just...no. Over.

Bella: No, Emmett. No.

Edward: Jazz, Em, feel like a bet?

Jasper and Emmett: Heck, yeah!

Edward: Alice screams within the next ten seconds. We on?

Emmett: Yep. Usual?

Bella: I don't even want to know.

Jasper: I don't feel comfortable betting on my wife...but okay.

Edward: Okay, countdown starts…now.

Alice: Hello? Has everyone forgotten about me? Over.

Edward: Hey, Alice?

Alice: What, Edward? Over.

Edward: I think you should go and fetch Rose's walkie-talkie. From the sewers.

Bella: Oh no. Start counting your pennies, brothers.

Alice: Are you insane, Edward? Over.

Edward: Fine, don't. But wave goodbye to your diamond Tiffany's bracelet which was wrapped around the antennae.

Alice: IT WAS WHAT?

Alice's screams echo around the Cullen household.

Edward: Oh, I almost forgot...

Edward: ...Over. Game...OVER!

Alice's wails get louder.

Bella: Pay up, you two. That's my college tuition for the next twenty years.

Jasper and Emmett let off a stream of profanities that would make a sailor blush.

Alice: Edward...I don't know what I'm going to do to you, but mark my words, it will be bad.

Edward: Oooh, I'm so scared

Emmett: Hey, that's my line!

Alice: Oh, here's an idea, it involves iced tea and your piano!

Edward: You little…

Bella: Hey, Jazz, Em? Fancy a bet? Edward screams in the next ten seconds.

Jasper: Well, Bella, we've just lost a lot of money, so…

Emmett: You're on!

Jasper sighs. Edward screams at Alice. The others marvel at the soprano shriek.

Jasper: This is Corporal Hale, signing off. Over.

Edward: Just a Corporal? I could have made Captain.

Jasper's walkie-talkie has been stuffed in a drawer.

Alice: You leave my husband alone you "(&Ł

Emmett: Um, Alice? Saying the symbols aloud doesn't mean you're swearing.

Bella: Okay, Mr Darcy is much better company. Over. I'm out

Bella's walkie-talkie has been thrown out the window. A bark is heard in background. Bella phones police due to her wolf stalker.

Edward: That mutt!

Edward's walkie-talkie has been crushed to a cinder.

Alice: This is Mary Alice Brandon Cullen Whitlock Hale going to strangle my brother and force him to pay for my new diamond bracelet. Over and out.

Emmett: But...

Alice's walkie-talkie has been crushed due to being thrown at Edward's head.

Emmett: I'm still here...

Emmett: Great. All alone. Again. Where is Jessica Stanley when you need her?

Emmett has been attacked by his furious wife.

The final walkie-talkie has been crushed into the ground.

**Fin**

**Love it? Hate it? Leave us a review! We'd love to hear what you think of our story! You also get free invisible muffins and a hug from Emmett!**

**Alice wrote the parts of: Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett. **

**Bella wrote the parts of: Bella and Edward. **


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi! So sorry it took us so long to post a new chapter!! We have been so unbelievably busy, and we keep meaning to publish a new one, and we always run out of time! Anyway, we are back and promise that this chapter is probably one of our favourites - very OOC in some parts, but hey, that's why we like our story!**

**DISCALIMER: Please note that we do not own Rick Hatton, Las Vegas (we would be so rich if we owned a city!), Gucci, Devil Wears Prada, Dolce and Gabbana, Will Smith, Ali (the film or the person), Dirty Little Secret, Girlfriend, Annie, Apple iPod (seriously, one of the best things since sliced bread)or any of their affiliates. Nor of course, do we own Twilight or any of their affiliates.**

**Nope, we dont own a thing. On with the story!!**

_Bella Swan has logged on_

_Alice Cullen has logged on_

Bella: Hello!

Alice: BELLA!! You will not guess what I found in Gucci!

Bella: Um, your credit card that hits its limit – um, I mean, went missing three hours ago?

Alice: That was YOU??

Bella: What? What was me? Im so lost. Edward!

Alice: Oh, not him again!

_Edward Cullen has logged on_

Alice: Go away, Edward, we're having girl talk.

Edward: My love and I share everything.

Bella: Well, not everything. I mean I wouldn't like to think of you in that hideous prom dress..

Alice: HIDEOUS?

Edward: Well, not quite everything. But most things. Everything that affects Bella in an important way.

Alice: Oh really? Then it might interest you to know that, once a month

Bella: Please stop! I think im going to be sick.

Alice: Sheesh, I was just going to tell you she defrosts the freezer. You sick minded people.

Bella: Well, there is only one place we could have learned it from.

_Emmett Cullen has logged on_

Alice: Speaking of sick minds...

Bella: and there it is.

Emmett: I take offence at that. I don't like being referred to as, 'it'.

Edward: Emmett! Aren't you in Las Vegas for that boxing match?

Emmett: Shh! I'm still keeping it secret from Rose

Alice: She knows, Emmett. Don't come home for a while, if you like your body parts in the right place.

Edward: Your dirty little secret is out of the bag.

Bella: I love that song! Dirty little secret...

Edward: Oh no. My iPod must have been louder than I thought last night...

Emmett: I'm seeing a whole different side of you, Bella.

Bella: Dirty Little secret...

Edward: Bad image

Alice: Oh, Bella? Do you know that Edward owns the deluxe edition of the 'Annie' soundtrack?

Bella: Dirty little secret...Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow!

Emmett: Really?

Edward: Was now really the best time to discuss this?

Alice: Hey, if I can't tell your girlfriend, who can I tell?

Bella: Hey! Hey! You! You! I DONT LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

_Jacob Black has logged on_

Edward: Oh no.

Alice: extra sweetly: Why, Jacob, what a coincidence?

Bella: I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE ME!

Jacob: Well, I DID tell you, Bells.

Edward: I think my ears are bleeding. Bella, please Love. Just a few decibels down.

Alice: Jacob, did you know that Edward here owns the deluxe edition of the Annie sountrack?

Edward: ALICE!!

Jacob: SERIOUSLY?

Alice: Oh, you didn't want me to tell him?

Bella: Tomorrow! Girlfriend! Tomorrow! Girlfriend!

Emmett: Where's my camera?

Edward: Right. That is quite enough. Bella, love, the ipod has run out of battery (Bella falls silent). Alice, I will deal with you after I have taken Bella to the technology store. Jacob, just...leave. Now.

And Emmett. Get home!

Jacob: With pleasure - wait till the pack hears about this!

_Jacob Black has logged off_

Emmett: I'm so close to the big win, Edward, I can feel it

_Charlie has logged on_

Charlie: RICKY HATTON!!

Bella: Dad?

Alice: DOLCE AND GABANNA!

Bella: How do you spell, Gabbana?

Emmett: EDWARD LIKES SINGING ORPHANS WITH CRAZY RED HAIR!

Edward: HOME! NOW!

Charlie: What? Wait, this isnt the Boxing Federation Fan Club chat?

Alice: Sorry, Charlie.

Charlie: Alice?

Alice: Charlie, sorry but this is our chat.

Emmett: I don't wanna come home.

Edward: Fine, then I will call you-know-who.

Charlie: That explains it, then.

Emmett: YOU CAN'T CALL ROSALIE!

Bella: Dad, please, um...you know...leave?

Alice: If you don't mind, Chief Swan.

Charlie: Rosalie? Oh she just came to the station looking for you all.

Bella: DAD!

Emmett: DON'T SAY I'M HERE!

Edward: HOME!

Emmett: NO!

Alice: Emmett's in Las Vegas, can you convince him to come home, Chief Swan?

Emmett: ALICE! Is it 'let's rat on Emmett day' or something?

Bella: Actually it seems to be 'Lets tell Edward's most embarrasing secrets day and make Bella sick day'...

Charlie: Sorry lad, I told her to look in missing persons. She is probably near to you.

Emmett: AHH!

_Emmett Cullen has logged off_

Alice: Hey, Chief Swan?

Charlie: Yes, Alice?

Alice: Did you know that Edward has the deluxe edition of the Annie soundtrack?

Edward: ALICE!!

Alice: Yes, brother dearest?

Charlie: You had better watch out Alice m'dear.

_Edward Cullen has logged off_

Alice: Uh-oh. I'll be seeing you, Bella, Chief Swan.

_Alice Cullen has logged off and headed for the hills_

Bella: Bye backstabber!

Charlie: Now, now, that wasnt very nice of you Bells.

_Esme Cullen has logged on_

Esme: Bella, have you seen my dust buster? Oh, hello Charlie!

Bella: No, sorry Esme. I have to go now – to stop your children from commiting – uh – murder.

_Bella Swan has signed off_

Charlie: Hello Esme! How are you?

Esme: I'm well, how are you keeping? I can't seem to find my dust buster though

_Rosalie Hale has logged on_

Rosalie: Mom, have you seen Emmett?

Esme: No sweetie, maybe hes out hunt...uh, hungry. I guess he went to McDonalds.

Charlie: Esme, It seems that my daughter has disappeared off into the forest after your son, but I will ask when she gets back. Right now, I think we may be facing a fight to rival that of Will Smith in Ali, when the next flight from Las Vegas comes into Seattle - so I must be off. Good Bye!

_Charlie Swan has logged off_

Roslaie: I AM GOING TO KILL EMMETT!

_Rosalie Hale has logged off_

_Esme Cullen has logged off._

_END_

**A/N: There we go! What did you think? We, personally, think we are absolute genii, but hey, we aren't very modest (coughBellacough).**

**In this chapter Bella wrote the part of: Bella, Edward, Charlie**

**In this chapter Alice wrote the part of: Alice, Jasper, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jacob**


End file.
